Zombie

Dexamethasone. What a wonderful way to turn oneself into a mere spark of a human.

The numbness is staggering, quite literally staggering. I wake up with general (but limited) pain everywhere. I can't taste anything. I can't feel much. I deal with it all day long by going numb. I'm distant, vacuous, inactive, protective, defensive. The really sad part is that protecting all these little perimeters make me very highly aggressive on the psychological side. No, I'm not gonna hurt anyone but I'm not behaving well. I go from apathy to rage to 'crying for happy' in milliseconds. It's not cool. Thankfully I think I'm stable in my instability. I know what's going on. So does Ed.

Truth is, the beginning of the new cycles were sort of fun from the junkie side of things. The excitement, the rush, the 'seagull' of it all was enjoyable. The roller coaster ride began again and it was a rush. Now I'm just tired of being slammed against the side of the car. My ribs are more than figuratively sore.

Somehow I need to change my activity levels and motivation. I need to find something to do now. I need something I can measure. I need something creative. I need some progress. My return from the trip turned into a big hole in the road.

I guess I bumped into the Zombie when I pulled the bike into the garage. It's time to remove the contamination.